Friday, September 19, 2003

yay for chocolate chocolate-chip cookies. from scratch.

Wednesday, September 17, 2003

people constantly tell me it's ok to feel.

i finally remember what that means.

and why i avoid it.

walk away and don't look back. the situation was cliche; something that would be seen on screen. a lover walking away from the terminal, denying tears, headed bravely and briskly for whatever he/she is about to face alone.

except i wasn't walking away from a romantic interest. i was walking away from a former residential advisor. a roomate. a friend. but most significantly, a tangible piece of the existence and memory i had and then left behind in pittsburgh.

for the past three weeks i had worked an ocean of tears to drown the anger. resentment. bitterness. and for the last week, the shore of my mind was clear; i was getting by. fine. good. but then to have m.mayo in my space -here in seattle-.....was to have driftwood of pain. memories. confusion. float back onto grainy shores.

the last time i felt anything, i stuck my hand in the fire. so i learned to avoid it. pull myself away. told myself to be objective. no pain=no pain. if i refuse to emote, i don't have to fee the void.

absorbing color and sight and sound and smell of pike place; hopping the boardwalk despite posted signs of warning, to sit on a boulder and intake mist; running from the int'l fountain in hopes of staying dry but getting soaked; sitting atop the space needle to watch the sun sink into the background; eating sushi and clearing sinuses with wasabi -a (very brief and narrow) crash tour of the surrounding area that i call home. to have m.mayo was to acknowledge and meld what i lived and now live.

must keep truckin'. take things in stride. it builds character.