Saturday, February 15, 2003

the other night, my roomate drank half a glass of slightly sour milk.

it hadn't curdled or have a bad smell, so even i had a two sips of it -the first for the initial sip, and the second to make sure my tastebuds weren't deceiving me. my wonderful roomate Mo, on the otherhand, took the glass from me and proceeded to drink it, saying that it wasn't all that bad.


kim, tiff, and i stopped her before she finished the glass.

Friday, February 14, 2003

so a lot of people got to meet Joseph. fine, dandy, great. what bothers me though, is that i feel as though people are like, "woah! victoria can pick up a hottie like that?"...and i'm not even really dating him.....

....but even if i i not desirable or something? so i'm not 5'7'' and 100lbs. yeah, i don't look like a fucking model -but how many people do? there's more that i can offer than that. urgh.

and can't people just be friends without underlying intentions *coughkindacough*?

now i'm just frustrated.
vagina monologue re-cap:

eve ensler: "if your vagina could talk, what would it say?"
me: "my bush doesn't want war."
i wish i could say that this valentine's day sucked. i wish i could be bitter and own it. but i can't.

My valentine's day couldn't have been better. i woke up at an early (college early, mind you) time and "red" (that's a 'burgh term for "get ready") the place, went to class and tutored for an hour afterwards, went on a "date" with Joseph (which was very pleasant -i must try the hot chocolate at the coffee tree), and then performed with peers our school's annual rendition of the vagina monologuess, by Eve Ensler. In addition, my brother sent me a valentine's day card with $20 and B.Rose had a lil' message for me in this week's edition of the stranger.

Thursday, February 13, 2003

happy valentine's day!

Wednesday, February 12, 2003

i'm currently awaiting my death in 7 days.

dream: i'm driving on backroads, trying to get somewhere with two other people. we decide to stop in a little cabin that we've been told is abandonded and safe to stay in. the other two travellers decide to go out and pick up some provisions in the small town a mile or two down the road; i am too tired and cold to go out, so i volunteer to stay, build a fire, and settle us in for the evening.

the cabin has two floors, but i never go upstairs. the bottom floor is separated into rooms by paneled wooden dividers -each single wooden panel holding a mirror. there is a sink with mirrored medicine cabinet at the end of the room. the only source of light are the two floral-print curtained windows at the front-face of the cabin and a single hanging lightbulb that gives off an eery, pale-orange glow to everything.

although i am alone in the cabin, i get an uncomfortable feeling that someone or something is with me. i try to disregard the creepiness by telling myself that it is my own reflections in the many mirrors that were bothering me, making me believe that there was another person in the room. i decide to get into my pjs and wash up for the evening. as i wash my face, i glance up into the mirror and see the flash of someone else's face. someone small, thin, pale, and with long dark hair. the face blankly looks at me, and i realize it's the face of Sumara (from the movie, "the ring").

i open the medicine cabinet door so i don't have to look at the face anymore, and run into another section of the cabin, run to a window, hoping to catch some air. as i stand there reassuring myself it was all in my head, i hear screams outside. i peer out the window, only to catch the image of a woman, in a pink terry-cloth robe, beating her husband/bf(?) with a large shovel. over and over again, she pounds him with the tool, until he's just a large bleeding heap on the grass. all the while, a small girl (daughter?) is sitting in a corner of the yard crying hysterically, not knowing what to do. the woman goes after her, and with one quick motion, hits the small girl on the head with the handle of the shovel, then drags her small, limp body into a ditch. horrified, i make my way quietly outside, completely shocked at the scene i have just witnessed. there is a sudden chill, and although i try to withstand the bitter air on my skin, i cannot help go inside. i look up at the mirrored panels and see the reflection of the little girl who was crying outside. at this sight, i ran back out into the cold and sat sobbing and scared.

a few moments later, my travelling companions came back.

and i woke up.

The above picture scares me (and not just because that woman is wearing horizontal stripes).

Under a state law which took effect on Friday, February 7, 2003, students from both public and parochial/private schools are required to pledge allegiance to the flag or sing the national anthem. (click on the above picture to get the full story.) Think for yourself (and contact your ACLU and learn your rights). Remember, you only truly love your country if you try to make it a better place.
"fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity." -what Ani's vagina would say regarding the pending war (picked up from activists).
i have a red heart tattoo on my inner-left wrist.

even though it's not permanent, it's still pretty damn hot.

what i really want are three tiny stars on my inner-left wrist, and two stars on my inner-right wrist -perhaps in black with a red outline to them. or maybe i just want them in cute random colors.
The Prophet ~On Love
Then said Almitra, speak to us of Love. And he raised his head and looked upon the people, and there fell a stillness upon them. And with a great voice he said:

When love beckons to you, follow him, though his ways are hard and steep. And when his wings enfold you yield to him, though the sword hidden among his pinions may wound you. And when he speaks to you believe in him, though his voice may shatter your dreams as the north wind lays waste the garden.

For even as love crowns you, so shall he crucify you. Even as he is for your growth so is he for your pruning. Even as he ascends to your height and caresses your tenderest branches that quiver in the sun, so shall he descend to your roots and shake them in their clinging to the earth.

Like sheaves of corn he gathers you unto himself. He threshes you to make you naked. He sifts you to free you from your husks. He grinds you to whiteness. He kneads you until you are pliant; and then he assigns you to his sacred fire, that you may become sacred bread for God's sacred feast.

All these things shall love do unto you that you may know the secrets of your heart, and in that knowledge become a fragment of Life's heart.

But if in your fear you would seek only love's peace and love's pleasure, then it is better for you that you cover your nakedness and pass out of love's threshing-floor, into the seasonless world where you shall laugh, but not all of your laughter, and weep, but not all of your tears.

Love gives naught but itself anf takes naugh from itself. Love possesses not, nor would it be possessed; for love is sufficient unto love.

When you love you should not say, "God is in my heart," but rather, "I am in the heart of God." And think not you can direct the course of love, for love, if it finds you worthy, directs your course.

Love has no other desires but to fulfill itself. But if you love and must needs have desires, let these be your desires: to melt and be like a running brook that sings its melody to the night. To know pain of too much tenderness. To be wounded by your own understanding of love; and to bleed willfully and joyfully. To wake at dawn with a winged heart and give thanks for another day of loving; to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstacy; to return home at eventide with gratitude; and then sleep with a prayer for the beloved in your heart and a song of praise upon your lips. -Kahlil Gibran
Another friday five:

1. What did you have for breakfast this morning? If you didn't have breakfast, why not? no, i didn't have breakfast. reason: i'd rather sleep-in until the last minute before i must leave for class. well, that and i'm one lazy mofo.
2. What's your favorite cereal? i'm a sucker for fruity pebbles. there's absolutly no vitamins, minerals, or "good stuff" (like Kix!) in it, but all those colors against a stark, milk-white background sure are purdy to look at.
3. How often do you eat out? Do you want that to change? too often for a college student. yes, i'd like to change...all my funds go into food. i could save so much money by not eating.
4. What do you plan on having for dinner tonight? Got a recipe for that? hmm, pad thai? kimmy is taking me out to a late lunch/early dinner at Lulu's Pan Asian diner...mmmm. while i don't have a recipe for pad thai, i do make a kick-ass stir fry with gadou-gadou sauce.
5. What's your favorite restaurant? Why? Seattle: RRIDM; burgers are decent, fries are a-plenty, the waiters are cute, & plenty of memories. Pittsburgh: Aladdin's; inexpensive and incredibly tasty middle-eastern food.
Me: Oh Kim! My brown sugar, why are you so bitter?
Kim: Vicky Oh! My green tea, you're not that sweet.
Another (late) installment of the friday five:

1. As a child, who was your favorite superhero/heroine? Why? Captain Planet, 'cause "he's a hero, 'gonna take pollution down to zero...."
2. What was one thing you always wanted as a child but never got? A pony
3. What's the furthest from home you've been? France -tour of northern France, summer after my freshy year in high school.
4. What's one thing you've always wanted to learn but haven't yet? Although i know a few chords, i really haven't yet learned how to play the that's one thing i've always wanted to learn, but haven't yet.
5. What are your plans for the weekend? Considering i'm doing this on a Saturday night, i'll just say what i've done so far and what i plan to do on Sunday (tomorrow): i've studied for classes, dry-humped a few friends, baked apple crisp and cooked latkes with friends, adopted a child, went on a "date", also tried to find people who could define the word "date". Tomorrow i go to church with the blonde one, Grayson.
A late friday five.

1. What is one thing you don't like about your body? There are several (what can i say, i'm a female and my own worst critic); like every other woman on this planet, i am unhappy with my weight.
2. What are two things you love about your body? I've always loved my hair (except when i had the copper color catastrophe and the mullet) and my eyes.
3. What are three things you want to change about your home? First, i would change the negative vibes, then i would redecorate my room to how i would want it to look, then i would add vaulted ceilings and an extra 1000sq. feet.
4. What are four books you want to read this year? 1. Balzac and the Little Chinese Seamstress, Dai Sijie; 2. Nickle and Dimed, Barbara Ehrenreich; 3. Me Talk Pretty One Day, David Sedaris; 4. Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix (finally!!!), J. K. Rowling
5. What are five promises you have kept to yourself? To: start my book, ask someone out on a date, take things as they come, listen more, and do the friday five.
i'm feeling a bit melancholy.

For those who have not yet seen it, i highly suggest viewing "Y tu mamá también". Fair warning though, there is a lot of activity that some viewers of film may not appreciate.

The plot: Abandoned by their girlfriends for the summer, teenagers Tenoch and Julio meet the older Luisa at a wedding. Trying to be impressive, the friends tell Luisa they are headed on a road trip to a beautiful, secret beach called Boca del Cielo. Intrigued with their story and desperate to escape, Luisa asks if she can join them on their trip. Soon the three are headed out of Mexico City, making their way toward the fictional destination. Along the way, seduction, argument and the contrast of the trio against the harsh realities of the surrounding poverty ensue.

What really captured my attention to the film were the realtionships. Relationships between friends, lovers, strangers, social classing, personal self, and death.

"Life is like a wave, so give in to the sea." -Y tu mamá también
somedays the rain wo't go away, but i don't mind so much. Somedays i just think it's God crying and then i come to realize that they are just my own tears. Does god sit in heaven because he's afraid of his own creation? Those feelings and thoughts stirred and created within my own self oft terrify me. And i have an expiration date.
A boy told me that my name (Victoria) is beautiful. ::blush::
Guy: You like metal at all?
Me: Sure! Platinum is my favorite.
Feeling the urge to write, i pick up a pen and begin to doodle circles within circles within circles, because that is how i'm feeling inside. Ideas and thoughts and emotions fitting within each other like one of those Russian nesting dolls. Tighter circles. Smaller. Less room. Smaller. Less space. Smaller. Mental claustrophobia. Less oxygen to breath. Suffocating, feeling the stresses crush everything within me into a little ball that grows by each second, crushing my ribs, constricting the flow of oxygen and air and life from my lungs leaving me to silently scream within my own ears.

And then, there is silence.

Silence so loud i wonder if i can hear anymore.

But the faint scratch of lead or graphite, or whatever the fuck makes up the composition of my pencil, against thick journal paper startles me out of my private little funk and i come back to the reality of circles.

And looping, it starts all over again.
"So victoria, what are you? Straight, Lesbian, Bi?"
My reply, "i don't know", followed by a blush

Questions are never embarrassing -the answers that wait to come out of my mouth and take aural form for others to hear is what causes my cheeks to burn a deep crimson. It's the answeres i hate. Verbal exchanges, reciprocation of thoughts, battles of wit are all measures of my stance on a belief, a conviction. It leaves me open to criticism. ridicule. naked. vulnerable. And i am uncomfortablewith that.